Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Feelings About Myself and My Relationship With God (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit)

I created this blog so I could share my views on Christianity which is not just a religion for me.  It is a way of life, God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are my Father, Savior, Best Friend, My family.  I know it is something that other religions may dispute but since finding my Savior, so many things have changed for me.  There are no doubts he loves me and he is here for me.  I have given him my true self.  I have talked with him in length and deeply about repenting for my sin, about the things I would give my life for, about how I love him, about why I feel the way I do sometimes and about what I am hopeful for.

I am certainly a sinner, definitely tempted by all the things of this world; money, cars, a beautiful house, money making businesses, fancy furnishings, fine foods, music, art, sexuality, love and all the other things of the world that are idols.  I have to remember that even my love for fine furnishings or my wish to have my husband desire me are things that take me away from God.  

I am daily speaking to God about these things.  I struggle with addiction to the internet, video games, sexual desires, wanting to be beautiful, wishing for more money to have "the good life".  We are all struggle with our earthly desires.  I know I am often hopeful with having leftover money at the end of the month so I can go blow it on myself, my husband and my kids.  I am always thrilled when we can eat out several times a month at nice restaurants.  I even feel guilty about it that we are able to so often which is truly a gift from God because we certainly don't deserve it.  

God is helping me step by step realize how much he is there, he gives me proof again and again.  He is so merciful and gives me his love and grace despite my deserving of it.  I do not deserve him, he is so pure and good and my mind as I have gotten older is easily tempted.  He has done so many good deeds for me.  I can't even begin to repay his kindness.  Time and time again he blesses me with much favor, much more than I know I deserve.  God is sooooo generous to me.  I know his gifts are way more than I should have because I have not done much right to deserve them.  But that is the way of a loving and merciful God.  He wants us to love him so much and he wants to provide in a way we cannot imagine.  He is building a city for us.  A huge city that is so beautiful that everyone will have their own place, where we can all look upon his beauty and light.  I just can't wait but I need to be here on earth for now.  I have not completed my mission here yet.

My family are not where I wish they would be in terms of their spirituality.  Nor am I at times.  I want so much to be that God minded person and get to a place where I have surpassed human desires and only desire God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  My children play video games, we play video games, yes I kill zombies in video games, i spoil my kids, we eat and drink gluttonously, our shopping cart overfloweth, we don't tithe like we should, we are so spoiled.  If I wasn't more inspired lately, we may not even make it to church on Sundays.  Even at church, I find temptation.  I wish I could sing better so I sounded better,  I don't want to look ugly there, I want to look pretty there.  I want to look like I am not poor.  How selfish I have become.  I am embarrassed to drive my van there because it is not as nice as my husband's new car.  I wish my husband did not fall over at church because he has health problems.  I mean what kind of person wishes for those things.  You see I am a sinner.  

The problem is that we are all sinners.  I am making a case for God, that he loves me no matter what.  He understands that all humans are sinners.  We are born into sin due to Adam and Eve original sin where they fall from grace and none of us are perfect because we are born with their sin on us.  He has given us a chance to clean ourselves of this sin through his son, Jesus who gave his life for us so that we may be with him in Heaven.

I am making a case for God that he has sent his son here, he allowed his perfect son, Jesus, to die for me, so that his sinless blood may wash away my sin so that I may go up to become our savior and gives me the gift of everlasting life so that I may be with him when I die.  His holy spirit fills me despite my shortcomings.  It is helping me become closer to him.  The more I get to know God, the more amazing my life has become.  

In fact, surprisingly, God has blessed me and my husband with so much more than we deserve.  He has continually shown me he exists in ways I can only hope you will see are definite signs.  

I have gotten to the place in my life where I just have absolutely learned to trust Jesus. Intrinsically, I simply lay it all at his feet and he takes on most of my anguish and pain, he carries me when my burdens are great.  He knows what I need, I have to show him my obedience to him in trusting that his plan is absolutely the best for me.

Most recently a couple of months ago in January 2016, when I wanted to go to college and I did not know if I would be able to due to finances and family setup with my 2 year old grandchild who recently became in my custody, within 2 days my FAFSA financial aid was approved and I suddenly was accepted at a Christian University right near my home within another 2 days and it just so happens it is a very highly respected University.  Within days, I was starting my first class and I was immediately introduced to The Makings of A Christian Mind, my first class.  This class is calling for me to be a Christian Leader.  Yes, to lead others to Christ.  I never thought of doing that before although a few people I know have come to Christ by my guidance, I never thought of proclaiming his glory to the world.  But now I think I am going to do just that very thing.  I will proclaim his glory to everyone that I can because I don't want them to end up in hell.

It was like a whirlwind that God set me up like that.  It is mind boggling and I have so far been getting great grades.  What?  Yes.  He set me up in the place I needed to be, with financial support, I even got a huge check from my financial aid to help me with books and living expenses.  What?  I feel like he knew my mind and quickly gave me exactly what I needed to further my education to help other Christians.  How could this possibly happen so fast?  I just put it all at Jesus's feet.  He helps us with things that are in the realm of what he wants for us, though he does have a path he likes us to follow ultimately and that path is trusting in him.

If you are still reading, I am really excited.  I am doing something right.  The most important thing I could tell you is that in my experience, God has proven to me time and time again that he is real.  He has filled me with grace so much that I almost wanted to explode or pass out even.  I felt so amped up on his love the other day he must have been near because I have never ever felt so high on his love.  I almost exploded with Joy.  I don't even know how that came upon me but I can only imagine that my relationship with him is getting so intense he had to be somewhere near or something because I felt as if I would burst with Joy for no apparent reason.  

To feel that way is just strange because I often suffer from mild depression.  I have suffered in a dark place since I was 16.  I used to get treatment for it but after years of therapy for my Mother's death and my Father's mistreatment, I seem to be pretty even in my mood most of the time.  I do suffer occasionally from anxiety and I panic a bit due to the darkness.  My father beat me real good one time while I was sleeping and another in the shower at my own apartment which he had a key to, he came in and beat me until my lip burst open and blood sprayed all over the shower.  So I always lock the bathroom door, and often though it is decades later I still need a nightlight or tv on at night.  I freak out at every creak the house makes.  So to feel so elated it must have been his spirit upon me.

I did not want to bring up the darkness of my past.  My mother died of colon and liver cancer when I was 11 leaving myself and 4 more male siblings alone. My childhood was tough and I suffered some abuse at the hands of my Father.  My stepmother did not want us, I know it because I heard her say so.  Eventually, my brothers and I were split up.  It was very hard but I still would call it a happy childhood despite the losses and pain.

Where did the sudden burst of light and grace upon me come from.  Why did I feel so excited and happy at that moment?  It was something I am not sure I ever felt before.  A level of elation and glory I never had before.  I cannot describe how amazing I felt; as if my heart was filled with glowing light, as if I would lift off the floor like a rocket ship.  I know where it came from.  I have no doubt.  He had to be near or something.  Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit.  I was filled to a point of pouring out excitement so that I had to proclaim his glory online.  I had also found this picture just moments before and my excitement grew at the thought of being with him.  I admit that has been happening a lot lately.  He has been seriously affecting me, using me and I like it.  I don't mind at all.  

This was my facebook post at the moment I felt that grace upon me:

"I am so excited for Easter! Can you imagine what it would be like to be in heaven with Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. To spend the rest of eternity in complete bliss, in his light, by his side, basking in complete happiness. I suddenly was hit by it. The sheer joy of it. I don't know what has happened to me, I am overcome with excitement. I know it's weird but I don't care. I just want everyone to know how fortunate they are to have this opportunity to find him and to be saved by him. I'm not a perfect person by any means. But with him, I am cleansed by his blood and made worthy to come and be with God in his triune for all eternity. It sounds crazy but try giving him a chance to come into your life and see what happens. Accept him as your savior and watch the things he does for you. I have never until now really understood fully but I am really opening up to knowing him and it's amazing. I don't care if I die. I am excited to be with him. Yet I know I am here for a reason and it is not yet my time as somehow my cancer is cured. It is to tell you all the miracles he has done in my life. I am overwhelmed by his mercy and grace because I am a terrible sinner. He has transformed me. I am so at peace. I am not worried. I know he has plans for me. I am not sure what to do or where I will go but whatever I do I will proclaim his glory! My heart should explode with the feeling of joy I have for him. I hope you all come and celebrate with me this Sunday at Calvary Chapel in Virginia Beach."

Looking back at that I feel amazed that I even posted that on my Facebook.  At first when I left Facebook I felt like I must be insane to post that because I am not a holy roller or any kind of person who would normally post that.  I am usually very quiet about my religion.  Suddenly I was filled with something so amazing, all kinds of thoughts about God came blurting out but I am not sure where it came from, I can only say I was filled with the Holy Spirit and I knew it was the Holy Spirit.  I was not confused about that.  But why it happened at that moment, I am not sure.  I also noted that I was lifted of all anxiety at that moment.  I was so thankful for him removing the cancer from my head which was probably something else I was feeling grateful for.  

I just want to share what I know with you and I feel happy if you have any reply, any discussion about what you believe.  I want people to be free to share openly here, to be themselves and to be able to share what they know about God.

Please find it in your heart to seek him.  Trust me he will fill you with his mercy and he will enlighten you as well.  He will give you the key to his kingdom should you only trust him and accept his son.  He is the Lord, our God and Creator.  He is the Alpha and Omega and the great I AM.  

If you are not saved I implore you to please get yourself saved.  God can lift you from anything.  He doesn't have any prerequisites, he just wants you to accept his Son as your savior.  I will go into details on that later.

Ask yourself, "Where are you going to spend your eternity?"

If you want to be saved, go to this page.  What do you have to lose?

Find my page on How to get Saved Here...

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